For those of you expecting this to be a goody-girl post, soppy with motivational kumbaya and a cheesy tale about how one should be celibate until marriage, stop right there. The matters of the heart go so much deeper than pep talks and instructional writings.

Let me tell you a bit about myself. I began my spiritual journey at a young age, craving God and biblical teachings for as long as I can remember. I had this idealistic perspective of how life ought to be. Sure, I “served” at my local church so God would give me a utopia of a life, right? My idea of true love and romance was shaped by pop culture and those around me. All those love songs and Twilight movies have given us the idea that when “true love” comes along, the person would validate and beautify everything in our paths. I waited for a happily ever after. And waited I did. And waited and waited a little more. 

Along the way, I gave attention to people that I knew I shouldn’t be giving attention to. Even though I knew that the particular guy wasn’t my idea of Prince Charming, the feeling of being alone and sandwiched between teenagers who were dating and adults that were getting married drove me to seek solace in people that were broken themselves. You see, it all comes down to the law of attraction. Like attracts like. Broken attracts broken. Fear attracts more fear. If you settle, you attract someone who is also compromising. 

Here I was, Miss Lady-in-waiting, sharpening my domestic skills and being broken by disappointment and failure. I kept attracting brokenness in the form of awkward friendships and imaginary courtships which lead me straight to the graveyard of hearts. I realized that the God of my youth group years wasn’t working out. I began to accept what was in front of me. It’s amazing what a tainted view of God can do to oneself. Every human being reaches a point where enough is enough.  

Powerful women in the Bible such as Ruth, Esther, Rachel and Rebekah did so much more than wait. The parable of the sower speaks of “good soil” having the ability to receive the sowed word.  I began to question the term “good soil”. 

As an avid gardener, my mind began to wander along the process of successfully germinating a seed and bam! there it was, the ideal word that I was searching for was “compost” . Compost is basically sand that has been fortified with organic matter, giving it the ability to enrich seeds and plants to grow to its full potential. The process of manufacturing compost is quite gross and an eyesore, I might add. Waste from fresh produce is added to sand and the heap rots and decomposes until the batch of compost is ready for use. The process stinks, but when the compost is used, the results are fabulous. Likewise, becoming you, the full and whole version of you isn’t the most visually stimulating process. The trials and tribulation that was intended to hurt and break you can be used to shape you to become who you supposed to be. 

At the end, it’s so worth it. Your compost of a mess becomes the optimal place to receive what God has in store for you. Embrace the situation you are in, smile throughout it, believing that you are being refined. Holy living isn’t about receiving a reward, let alone gaining a perfect husband. Marriage is a fabulous goal but there is a much greater goal. Instead of being someone’s other half, work on being a complete you, the best version of yourself. Having God is everything, not means to a life that we think He would want us to have. As for me, I find myself being prepared for marriage. My feminist mindset has been softened into an egalitarian one. I have learned to respect men and authority across both genders, something that was nearly impossible for me. 

I found that while broken attracts broken, strong attracts strong. Love attracts more love. For that reason, I find myself ready for God’s plans more than ever.

Alyssa.